I have a confession, I am in the midst of motherhood and it’s making me a crappy friend. I want to take a minute to point out that I know I’m not the same friend I once was, I see that, and quite honestly, I’m ok with it.
I’m just not able to put in the time and I’ll tell you why, right now I have tiny humans, and I’m raising them, they need me and I need them. I’m pouring my heart into them and there’s not much left for anything else. I know I COULD make the time, I see so many of you do it and I say good for you, do what makes YOU happy! I could have girl’s nights and run errands alone, but if I’m being honest, I have to say that I don’t really want to do those things. I chose to marry my husband, I chose to have babies, and now, I choose to be here with them. So please don’t be offended if I choose my pajamas over your wine night and I promise not to be upset if you choose girl time over a family BBQ.
You see, as overwhelming as motherhood can be and for all the times I want to escape there’s a million more things I don’t want to miss out on by being gone. I want to be here to share stories and hear about their day, to cook dinner and pack lunches, to tuck them in at night and breathe in their little boy smell, and once they’re asleep I want to curl up on the couch with my husband and a cup of tea and watch a show.
I want to spend our weekends together, doing normal stuff; exploring, tackling household projects, running errands, and snuggling while the kids watch a movie in our bed, just enjoying being together. Because, someday ALL these little moments will be the big ones, the ones that’ll make me smile, and the ones I’ll never regret staying home to make.
And that’s not to say I don’t miss you all, I do, I love my friends, I love the memories we’ve made, and the girls trips we’ve had but right now, I’m needed here and I know it won’t always be this way. Someday soon the boys will be grown and I’ll have time, so much time, maybe too much time. And I hope that when that day comes, you’ll still be here. Here to have girl time, to go on coffee dates, to get pedicures, and to come watch a sunset while we reminisce about “old times”. And if you’ve moved on because you just couldn’t wait or understand then I’ll have to be ok with that too.
And in the mean time, I hope you can see that I value you and our friendship and the occasional girl time we get and the fleeting conversations between the chaos. And I hope you know that just because I don’t check in on you it doesn’t mean I don’t think about you in it all, alongside me in the trenches of motherhood, of work, of school and in life 🙂